"Today is fantastic for tuning in to your inner self, Taurus. You will have a level, grounded mind from which to make conscious evaluations of your emotional state. Trust your instincts and make realistic plans for the future. You're especially disciplined today, and you have a keen sense of what your goals and objectives are. Use this grounded energy to get things done."
This is very funny, you see, because I still have strep throat (see last blog) and a moderately high fever, so the idea of me "getting things done" is hilarious. I mean, come on, I'm so out of it I'm actually reading my horoscope. Clearly, my judgment is a bit fever-addled.
Instead of getting things done today, I have been watching Yogi Bear cartoons. Why?:
I like watching Yogi Bear cartoons when I'm sad or sick or feeling sorry for myself, because it reminds me of how when I was very small my Mom used to do this Yogi Bear impression to make us laugh when we were upset. She'd go: "Heeeeeeeeey, BooBoo!"
Recently, Mom told me that she stopped calling us "BooBoo" eventually, because she "didn't want any of you to think you might be a mistake (boo-boo)." Well, she did have four of us before turning 24. And I have it on good authority (a mistaken admission on my Mom's part) that I was conceived when my parents were using two (2!) forms of birth control! I might not be a boo-boo, but I was certainly not planned in the sense that you can plan an event that you choose to happen, like a wedding or a dinner party. More likely, I was planned for like one "plans for" a hurricane or Charlie Sheen coming to your kegger: taping up the windows and designating one bathtub for your kids, and another for vomit. (Little known fact: hurricanes involve lots of vomit. Floridians party haaaaaaard.)
Anyway, I am also watching Yogi Bear cartoons because when you're fever-addled, watching cartoons is much more fun. The plot lines take on much more dramatic significance, and you start thinking about character development and encoded political meanings. Snaggle Puss, for example. I mean, obviously he's a cat and a theater queen, but why is it always "Exit, Stage Left"? I think that there's a very disturbing message there about the Gay Agenda co-opting the New Left in the wake of the Cold War. Or maybe it's something about the Culture Wars being political theater. See what I did there? Yes, clearly, having a fever makes me a genius.
Not only am I fever-addled enough to read my horoscope, I'm fever-addled enough to misread my horoscope. That first line, for example, about "tuning in to your inner self." I totally read that as "turning into your inner self." Which still sort of works, if you read that as meaning that you should orient your thoughts inward or something. But of course I thought about transforming myself into my "inner self." Not to start "outwardly acting my id," or something, because, again, that is how a rational adult would have interpreted that statement. I read it as turning into my inside self. Like my organs and things. Like the little skeleton guy on Beetlejuice?
Yeah, you remember that guy. His name was like Sparky or something. And he was like, "oh, I don't have skin, but I still have a moustache. Also, clothes, even though aside from the moustache, my sex organs and secondary sexual characteristics are long gone." Heeeheehee. I just imagined him saying in that ridiculous French accent "I maih not 'ave secondahry seccsual chahractehressteecs. But I cahn steel BOHNE yew!"
Now that I've ruined a cherished childhood memory, I need Tylenol and sleep. Obviously.
